Golden joy emanates within,
like a dolphin's view for a child.
Who guards the candle and protects its shine?
When the candle itself looses its design.
For first the candle shone,for new was its life,
then the wind came,came then the rain adding to its pain.
Never did it expect its glory to be regained,
but then was waiting a hand for its gain,to bring a change...
Mysterious shadow full of light made the candle burn and shine,
outgrew the candle of its fear...
For HOPE sat to her very near
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4 comments:
sumone wid a pure heart can only write such a poem....
www.indianeedstochange.blogspot.com all indian lovers pls visit
shaheen thats really good. i can never praise you enough. this is good and you know it. although i confess my inability at unearthing the cryptic code the verse is set in but something this deep is expected from a person like you.
only there are some humble suggestions if you'd like to incorporate them. and if they dont harmonise with the thought being expressed pardon me for the misconstrued sense.
i think using "for" twice in the fifth line spoils the harmony, you could just begin the line with "first".
in line 7 i guess it 'd sound better if it went "never did it expect its glory to regain", the infinitve "to regain" would go weell with "expect".
in line 8 ther is some solecism i cant specifically pinpoint, but perhaps it should be "there" instead of "then" and "bring about" instead of "bring".
in line 10 it should be" outgrew the candle its fear", outgrew and "of fear" dont go well together.
and finally in the last line omit the "to her", that sounds well.
and if you want to rebuke me for such an unusually long and presumptuous comment you are free to give a vent to your unbridled angst at niveditalall@yahoo.com.
thankyou for your patience. stay good. keep writing beautiful stuff.
heya! seems you are totally out of tuch wid this pretty blog of yours. dont do that. you see, there's not much shaheen-ish stuff in the world. so do keep writing. i was waiting for an email from you, if you're not too busy do write a few words.
best wishes, nivedita.
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